Stephanie sent this paragraph for free edits:
The exercises and training that I would do for the “Iron Man” contest in Hawaii is really simple. I would want to start doing this plan that you are about to read months before the “Iron Man” contest. First thing in the morning, I would wake up and make some really healthy breakfast and some protein shakes. After I eat the healthy breakfast, I would go jogging around the neighborhood. When I complete my jogging, since I my body and heart is pumping, I would rest for a few minutes. I don’t want to over work myself and end up in bad shape. Then soon after my break I would go to the fitness center. The type of exercise I would want to do to be getting ready for this contest is some sit-ups, jumping jacks, ride the exercising bikes, steppers, and lots of more stuff to keep me in the shape that I need to be in for this huge contest. When I finish working out at the fitness center, I would go home and make an healthy lunch and drink a protein shake. Then I would go to my treadmill and walk on there for about an half hour to an hour. After that I know I am going to get tired. So I would go take a two hour nap. Like I said I don’t want to over work my body. After I get my rest in, I would want to go to the swimming pool, so I can swim so laps. Swimming is such good exercise. After I am done lapping the pool, I would only rest about fifteen minutes. Then I would start jogging again around the neighborhood. Then I would make a healthy dinner and drink another protein shake. But the day isn’t quite over with yet. I would start to doing yoga, to relax my body from doing all of the work and training I did. Then I would go take a nice warm shower. Then go to bed, just to wake up and start the retain over again.
Let’s look at this one sentence at a time:
The exercises and training that I would do for the “Iron Man” contest in Hawaii is really simple.
In the first sentence we have a problem of agreement. “Exercises and training” is plural; therefore, the verb should be “are.”
I would want to start doing this plan that you are about to read months before the “Iron Man” contest.
This sentence is not too bad, but should have commas to set off the restrictive clause “that you are about to read about.” I’d actually recommend removing this clause all together because it is not necessary. In any case, it is misplaced, it appears to modify when we are reading the plan. How about: I would want to start doing this plan months before the “Iron Man” contest.
First thing in the morning, I would wake up and make some really healthy breakfast and some protein shakes.
Nice sentence.
After I eat the healthy breakfast, I would go jogging around the neighborhood.
Nice sentence.
When I complete my jogging, since I my body and heart is pumping, I would rest for a few minutes.
I don’t want to over work myself and end up in bad shape.
Then soon after my break I would go to the fitness center.
These are all great.
The type of exercise I would want to do to be getting ready for this contest is some sit-ups, jumping jacks, ride the exercising bikes, steppers, and lots of more stuff to keep me in the shape that I need to be in for this huge contest.
It’s important in lists to keep the grammatical form of the list items identical. We can fix this sentence first by introducing it as a list with the items following a colon. “I would do the following forms of exercise: sit-ups, jumping jacks, exercise bike riding, stair climbing and more to keep me in the shape that I need to be in for this huge contest.”
When I finish working out at the fitness center, I would go home and make an healthy lunch and drink a protein shake.
Then I would go to my treadmill and walk on it for about an half hour to an hour.
After that I know I am going to get tired.
So I would go take a two hour nap.
Like I said I don’t want to over work my body.
These three sentences should be combined: After that I know I am going to get tired, so I would go and take a two hour nap because I don’t want to overwork my body.
After I get my rest in, I would want to go to the swimming pool, so I can swim so laps.
Swimming is such good exercise.
After I am done lapping the pool, I would only rest about fifteen minutes.
Then I would start jogging again around the neighborhood.
Then I would make a healthy dinner and drink another protein shake.
But the day isn’t quite over with yet.
I would start to doing yoga, to relax my body from doing all of the work and training I did.
Then I would go take a nice warm shower.
All of these are good sentences, I have one final suggestion for the ending sentence. She’s used the word “then” quite a few times and it’s best to try to avoide repetition.
Finally, I would go to bed, just to wake up and start the retain over again.
HyperGraphix offers editing and proofreading services for documents and websites starting at $35.
For a free one paragraph edit, click here.
Please visit our website to comment or ask a question.