Introduction to an historical essay

29 Apr 2010 at 21:15

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A reader sends this paragraph for comments:

Over the many thousands of years, the events of History have had similar roots; however the actions made had differences.  The Progressive Era, New Deal and Great Society are comparable to a degree. These social reform movements are similar in the depth  of their building blocks, or origins because they all started with the hope that they can bring peace to the government, the economic distress, as well as social life. The goals of each reform were different because each problem was different in that particular time period. The legacies of the reforms were also different because they each left a special mark in America’s History. Even though the Progressive Era, New Deal and Great Society social reform were spread out over 120 years, with the Progressive Era starting in 1890 and the Great Society still going on today, each reform was built upon faith and hope for restoration.

This is clearly an essay in which she is going to compare three different social movements. It’s a compare/contrast essay. She finds some things that all three have in common: they are deep and they have high ideals. Then she tells us that there are differences: different problems for each time period and different legacies. She sums up her introductory paragraph by returning to one of the themes of commonality, the faith and hope of restoration. This is a good introduction. It gives a sense of direction to the essay.

Now I have a few criticisms too. Picky point: in the first line the word “history” is capitalized. OK, it’s an important word, but we should be careful not to capitalize here. On the other hand, the names of the social movements to be discussed can be capitalized because they are normally thought of as proper nouns. This first sentences also has some wording problems. “…the actions made had differences.” This seems somewhat awkward. We are starting in the general and working toward the particular here, which is a great way to begin an essay, so let’s re-write the whole first sentence with these ideas. “Over many thousands of years events of history with similar roots had different kinds of outcomes.”

Another point is that it’s a bit weak to say “…comparable to a degree.” Obviously everything is only comparable to a degree, even identical twins. Let’s just say “…have similarities.”

We need to fix a few things in the second sentence. The list of items: “bring peace to the government, the economic distress, as well as social life” lacks verbs in the second and third items. Let’s say “…relieve economic distress and improve social life.” It’s common to make errors in listing things. Pay particular attention to making sure the grammar is parallel in each item in such a list.

The next sentence is just fine. The final sentence tries to cram too much information in. It tells us the time frame we are working with. Although there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s not needed and it makes the sentence quite long and awkward. It’s OK to leave this out and put in the time information as each reform movement is discussed in the body of the essay.

So enough with the criticism, it’s a introduction. It’s actually a pretty good one as it introduces the topic nicely. It lets us know what is going to be discussed and what the points of comparison and difference are going to be.

Here’s how the edited version would look:

Over many thousands of years events of history with similar roots had different kinds of outcomes. The Progressive Era, New Deal and Great Society have similarities. These social reform movements are similar in the depth of their building blocks or origins because they all started with the hope that they can bring peace to the government, relieve economic distress and improve social life. The goals of each reform movement was different because each problem was unique to each time period. The legacies of the reforms were also different because they each left a special mark in America’s history. Even though the Progressive Era, New Deal and Great Society social reforms were spread out over 120 years, each reform was built upon faith and hope for restoration.

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What is a persuasive essay?

24 Apr 2010 at 09:23

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Essays, Persuasive Essays, pursuasive essay

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A persuasive essay (my questioner wrote “pursuasive essay”) is an essay that tries to persuade the reader to take a position on an issue. This may be an issue that’s currently in the news such as the war in Afghanistan or health care, or it may be an issue that never seems to die, such as abortion or gun control. In any case, these are topics on which people hold diverging opinions and which do not have clear answers. Sometimes these are called “argumentative essays” because you are arguing for or against a point of view. Think of the topic of a persuasive essay as something two people in a bar might get into an argument over. It’s so much more civilized to write it out in an essay. The point in writing a persuasive essay is to research facts to back up opinions and to present these facts in a logical manner.

At one time rhetoric was one of the cornerstones of a classic education. Gentlemen (and I mean this–ladies and lower classes were not educated) were taught to debate. They were taught the elements of logic and how to apply it in making arguments. These days we simply ask students to write on a controversial topic. Most are up to the task. Some fail utterly to differentiate between opinion and fact. Some fail to arrange their arguments logically. Some don’t seem to want to take a stand.

An important part of a persuasive essay is to know where you stand and what you want your reader to believe at the end of the argument. Never sit on the fence. Even if the opposing arguments are good, and often they are, you must be sure where you stand on the issue.

A persuasive essay takes the standard form of introduction, body, conclusion. The introduction provides the reader with some basic background information. It may begin with a quote, a statistic or a general statement. The introduction gives the thesis statement–the statement that the author intends to prove, or the point of view that he/she is defending. The body provides the evidence. The conclusion sums up, taking into account the presented evidence.

In the body of the essay, the writer presents the strongest facts in support of the argument. A good persuasive essay will also examine the evidence that supports the opposite conclusion. It will attempt to undermine this evidence by presenting alternative interpretations, additional facts or expert commentary. It is important to acknowledge the existence of these alternative points of view because readers may start off being sympathetic to these points of view and if you simply attack them or treat them without respect you will alienate these readers instead of persuading them.

It could be argued that most essays are persuasive essays. Sometimes an essay is about a topic that’s not controversial, except to a select group of people. For example no one gets into a fight at a bar over whether TS Eliot’s “The Wasteland” was an ode to marriage or an ode against marriage. You might be able to raise a few hackles at an English department meeting, but to the average man on the street, who rarely contemplates interpretation of early imagist poetry, it’s a moot point. Nonetheless it’s a valid topic for an essay to take a stand on. Similarly, Marx’s interpretation of the Sino-Russian split, or A History of Western Table Manners would each have a thesis statement to be proved and a series of arguments to back up that thesis statement.

In sum, a persuasive essay is one in which you are deliberately setting out to persuade a reader to believe your point of view is correct.

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How to write a persuasive essay part one

16 Apr 2010 at 10:49

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Essays, Persuasive Essays

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One of the most common questions I get asked is how to write a persuasive essay. Really it’s quite easy. I teach a lot of students, and they are always trying to persuade me about something. You already know how to be persuasive. My students can easily persuade me why they should go to the library, or why they should get an extension on an essay deadline, or why they should get dismissed early. The first thing in a persuasive essay is to decide what you want your reader to believe or do.

The worst thing you can do in a persuasive essay is sit on the fence. This means you write something that says “I agree, but I also disagree.” Well, of course, in most cases the arguments against your point of view are not totally outrageous, that’s why there is controversy. No teacher is going to assign a persuasive essay about motherhood or apple pie; they usually pick topics where there are plenty of arguments on either side, like gun control, abortion, prayer in school, or school uniforms. Cautious teachers assign topics that are not going to get anyone upset; other teachers want to engage real-life topics which people care passionately about. These topics do not have clear right and wrong sides (except for those who care passionately about one particular side.)

If there is not clear correct side to a persuasive essay, then you are not getting marked for having the right or wrong answer. You are getting marked for having good arguments. So logic, clear thinking, and presentation are important.

The structure of a persuasive essay is simple. The standard high school persuasive essay is called the five paragraph format. The introduction paragraph is the first of the five paragraphs. Then we have three body paragraphs. The final paragraph of a persuasive essay is the conclusion. Let’s look at each of these separately as they apply to a persuasive essay.

In  persuasive essay you first introduce the topic in the introduction. There are several ways to introduce the topic. One way is to begin by citing a statistic. Here’s a statistic on gun control: “Five children were killed every day in gun related accidents and suicides committed with a firearm from 1994-1998.” I got this statistic from an anti-hand gun website by using Google to search for “deaths by handguns.” It’s easy to find a statistic on the internet. Beware of who is providing the statistic. Many people repeat things that may not be true. I have no idea if this statistic is true. If I were going to use it, I would want to check its source to see if it was reliable. I might begin a persuasive essay on gun control with this statistic if I wanted to write in favor of gun control.  I could start an essay by citing this statistic (and also giving credit for the site where I found it). I would write a few sentences about the unnecessary deaths of children and finish my paragraph with my thesis statement: “Guns should be controlled in order to save the lives of innocent children.”

On the other hand if I were writing a persuasive essay about gun control and I wanted to oppose gun c0ntrol, I might want to take the position that individual liberty the most important point here. I wouldn’t want to try to weigh children’s lives against the right to bear arms, so I’d avoid those kinds of sensational statistics. I’d probably want to take a historical persective and talk about how the US was founded on opposition to tyranny and the right to rise against oppressive governments is a fundamental part of the Declaration of Independence. If I was taking this tack, I might talk about how oppressive governments have been overthrown throughout history and the necessityof a citizenship to be prepared to fight for liberty.

So to write an introduction to a persuasive essay you make some statements related to the point of view you want to defend, and then you make your thesis statement. The thesis statement in the persuasive essay must be clear. Like I said before, don’t sit on the fence. Even though you may want to acknowledge the validity of the arguments against your thesis, you need to be clear about which side you are on. In the introduction you stick to the points you think are important, address opposing arguments in the body of your persuasive essay.

In the body of your persuasive essay you have to lay out the logic of your argument. Hopefully you have some idea of the arguments you might want to make. If you don’t have a plan yet, the stop! You need to brainstorm a little about what arguments to make. One way to brainstorm is to use a bubble format idea generator. You can see an example of this for a persuasive essay on gun control on my Essay Help page (http://www.HGPublishing.com/EssayHelp2.html or click on the link to the HG web site on the right).

In the second paragraph of a persuasive essay make your strongest point. Maybe here is where you want to emphasize dead children, or resistance to tyranny. The thing is that you will take your strongest point and write a paragraph about it. Quote sources. Use facts that you have researched. Quote authorities. If someone well respected has made a statement that will lend a hand to your argument, use it. There are many sites on the internet for quotes. Go to a site and type in your topic and find someone’s pithy statement. Even if it repeats your basic point, it’s good to use.

We need to acknowledge our opponent’s arguments in a persuasive essay. The second paragraph is a good place to do this. According to Aristotle, “In making a speech one must study three points: first, the means of producing persuasion; second, the language; third the proper arrangement of the various parts of the speech.” (In my essay, I’d footnote that quote as coming from brainyquote.com.) If I was writing a persuasive essay about gun control and I was opposing gun control, in the back of my mind I’d be worrying about the idea of how many people die unnecessarily due to gun violence. I wouldn’t want to introduce that statstic, but I would want to address the issue.

When people are given a statistic, like the one about dead children, they often jump to the conclusion that “there oughta be a law.” But in our persuasive essay opposing gun control, we want to get between the statistic and the thought of controlling this through the law. So we can shift the focus. Therefore we might acknowledge the argument, but try to find a different solution. We might write that although there are many deaths due to gun violence, the solution is not gun control, but more responsible gun ownership. If gun owners handled their weapons properly and kept them locked up, then many accidents could be avoided. This way we can cast some doubt on the validity of statistics. As Mark Twain once said “Figures don’t lie, but liars figure.” So it’s important in a persuasive essay to try to re-frame your opponent’s arguments in a way that shifts the logical conclusion away from the one that they would like.

Your third paragraph is a place to present any other arguments that support your thesis. Hopefully, in your brainstorm, you’ve found more than enough arguments, so you can weed out the weakest and only present those which are very strong. By this point you’ve already presented your best argument (in the second paragraph) and attacked your opponent’s point of view (in the third paragraph). So you can cruise for a little bit before you nail it in the conclusion.

In a persuasive essay you want to end with a strong conclusion. You may wish to repeat your main, strongest arguments. You may want to find another good quote. The point is to try to sum it all up and conclude “therefore my argument is the best and should be your point of view as well.”

Now, if you are writing a persuasive essay for a high school English class, much of your mark is not going to be on the logic of the essay. I generally give about 40% for logic. Much of the rest of the marks are given for good grammar and good writing. Of course every sentence should be a complete sentence, but you should also use a variety of sentence forms. You should proofread several times to make sure that all the verbs agree with their subjects; that you have no dangling modifiers; that each paragraph has a good topic sentence; and that the logic flows well from one paragraph to another. Use transition words to join ideas. It’s great to stretch your vocabulary when you write, but make sure these words are used correctly. If you can do all these things and present some good logic, you will certainly receive an A for a mark in your persuasive essay.

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Suffering: you know it when you feel it

04 Apr 2010 at 15:22

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A reader writes:

?Can you please advise me on how to start this essay? I’m writing an essay on the Concept of Suffering I have to critically discuss main issues and critically analyse the implications for clinical practice with examples. I just don’t know what to put in my introduction.

I’m reminded of the poem by W.B. Yeats, Musee des Beaux Arts, which begins “About suffering they were never wrong/the Old Masters…” The poem goes on to discuss the painting of Icarus by Brueghel, which shows a busy countryside unconcerned with the sight of a boy falling from the sky. Ah, such busy-ness in the face of tragedy and suffering. And yet does this not go on everyday? I was teaching this very poem to a class of grade 10 students when I realized that one member of the class had just experienced a horrible tragedy in his family. Everyone who has lived through the death of someone close to them knows how the world does not stop spinning for their own suffering.

And how does this answer the question for my reader? I think what it does is give us many doors into this question. Many philosophers and thinkers have given great time and energy to the question of suffering in the world. Indeed, do not many Christian theologians devote many pages to the question of why God allows evil in the world? One of the main premises of the Buddhist religion is around suffering. When the Buddha was a lad, he was a prince. His parents tried to shield him from seeing suffering in the world. Over time this secret was revealed to him and in his enlightenment he arrived at the so-called “Three Noble Truths.” First, that suffering exists; second, that there is a way out of suffering; third, that the eight-fold path is the way out of suffering.

My reader makes reference to “clinical practice” in her question. Therefore, I assume this is for some kind of health care training. This doesn’t preclude us from beginning a writing assignment with a philosophical question. One could begin by quoting the Auden poem (read it in its entirety at: http://www.serve.com/Lucius/Auden.index.html). I’m currently writing a paper about Alzheimer’s Disease and I’m beginning it with a poem about death. Sometimes these artifices provide some kind of structure on which we can hang the  arguments of logic.

A standard beginning of any essay is to state an observation of truth that needs no reference. (Everyone experiences suffering in their life; It is a particular challenge for health care workers to remain objective in the face of a patient’s suffering; Suffering can take place in many forms.) We can build on that to move toward the thesis statement. Suffering can be physical or psychological. We all have experience of it. We can begin with our own personal observation and then start to bring in the research. Sometimes the best way to begin an introduction is to imagine you are just telling a friend about your paper and you are giving some background information before you discuss your thesis and how your are going to prove it.

Since I don’t know much about the content of this paper, I can’t talk about how the introduction relates to the rest of the paper. Often a good strategy is to just write the thesis statement and focus on the paper before coming back to write the introduction. I often have an introduction in mind before I’ve written the paper, but you don’t have to write a paper in the order that it is read. In any case, suffering and writing essays seem to go hand in hand.

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Contract of service OR Contract for services?

04 Apr 2010 at 07:39

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A reader asks:

what is the difference between a contract of service and a contract for services?making reference to relevant case law,what are the salient factors distinguishing a contract of service from a contract for service?

Now I’m not a lawyer but I’ve published newsletters for lawyers, I’ve hired lawyers, and I’ve read John Grisham novels. I’ve sued and been sued; I even did all the paperwork to go through court for my child custody and support agreement. My sister used to be a lawyer (she didn’t like it.) I’ve even watched People’s Court on TV. But none of that makes me competent to answer this question!

What the hell do I know about contract law? Not only that, Canadian law and US law are bound to be different. In fact, in the US, the law can vary from state to state. Geez, I tell ya, if I was an expert in international law, I wouldn’t be asking people if they wanted their essays edited for $35.

If someone knows the answer, then maybe they would be kind enough to enlighten both my reader and me as to what it is all about. I’d assume that there is some kind of implied contract of service between me and my clients. Maybe it’s a contract for services. All I know is that you get what you pay for (i.e. I might not be able or willing to reply to a free essay question, but when you send me money I do my best to give you a thoroughly edited essay.)

So my free answer is: I don’t have a clue. Next question.

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Rhetorical questions in persuasive essays

02 Apr 2010 at 21:06

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A reader asks:

“When is it good to ask a question in a persuasive essay? How will the reader answer the question?”

Well, obviously, readers can’t answer the question to you, but they might answer the question to themselves. A question which is posed without the expectation of an answer is called a “rhetorical question.” The root of this meaning is from the word “rhetoric” which is the art of making arguments. Rhetoric used to be one of the main areas of study before the modern school was invented. If you were in school in England in 1850, it would have been an important subject. In those days it was believed that the ability to discuss ideas was the most important thing for students to learn since education wasn’t valued for its practical aspects. It was for gentlemen who didn’t sully themselves with practical matters left to the lower classes. But I digress.

Dropping a rhetorical question into a persuasive argument is often a power form of persuasion. You present several facts and build up to a conclusion, drawing the conclusion out of the reader. For example if you were trying to persuade the reader to support universal health care, you might ask “What kind of a country doesn’t ensure its citizens have access to health care?” For a reader to disagree with you, they would have to do some mental gymnastics in order to identify the underlying assumptions of the question–that universal health care is the only way to ensure all citizens have access to health care, or that if you disagree with the premise, you support an inferior version of the country.

You wouldn’t want to fill up your persuasive essay with rhetorical questions. It is one technique, to be used sparingly. But it can be very effective, and who wouldn’t want that?

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Your penultimate warning

29 Mar 2010 at 20:41

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Howard Levitt writes in the Vancouver Sun (March 27, 2010, p D16): “Have you noticed the verisimilitude between employees on performance improvement plans or on the verge of being fired claiming stress leave?”  Now my Oxford Dictionary defines “verisimilitude” as “the appearance of being true.” So Howard is asking us if we notice the appearance of truth between employees in job difficulty and then claiming stress leave. Well absolutely! I should hope so! But I think Howie is misusing the word. I think he means “have you noticed a correspondence between those employees you, as an employer, are putting the screws to, and their taking stress leave.”

I’m instantly put off by Howie who suggests, in his opening paragraph, that employer practices “encourage employee indolence.” How about practices like golfing afternoons, large bonuses and CEO salaries a hundred times that of line workers? There’s nothing like employer greed to encourage employees to feather their own nests. Howie seems to like big words, and as a lawyer he certainly must know a lot, but this time he got it wrong. Enough said.

This reminds me of an SFU prof who wrote, in a peer-reviewed scholarly journal, no less, the following: “One of the latest euphemisms is ‘Don’t trust anyone under 50.’ Now again, here’s a real smarty pants who knows a lot of big words, but she got this one wrong, too. A “euphemism” is, according to Oxford, “a substitution of a mild or vague or roundabout expression for harsh or blunt or direct one.” That’s like saying “not quite on the ball” instead of “stupid.” What this prof meant was “aphorism.” This is a short, pithy saying, like “A penny saved is a penny earned.”

Have you ever tried to show off and fallen flat on your face? I’ve done it on skis, bicycles, dance floors and in print. These people are inflating their own egos by using big words for no good reason. The purpose of writing is communication. Sometimes big words are necessary because they convey exactly the meaning we intend. But when we use them to show off, it’s just like driving a luxury car: it reminds the reader who’s smart and who isn’t. And I’m against anything that discourages reading. I’m with Orwell who was opposed to obfuscation in all its forms.

So why is this blog entry titled “Your penultimate warning”? Because “penultimate” is one of those words more misused in its use than used properly. I also learned that from a former SFU prof. “Penultimate” means “next to last.” It’s like “peninsula” which literally means “almost an island.” Similar words include “penannular” or “almost ring-like,” “peneplain” or “almost a plain,” and “penumbra” or “partly shaded or almost shadow.”

So next time your employer says “This is your penultimate warning,” continue napping and wait for the ultimate warning.

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Animal Farm: Power Corrupts

29 Mar 2010 at 19:50

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A reader submitted the paragraph:

Many people are reluctant to stand up to authority because of the power they control within their hands. Power can be purely defined as “the possession of control or command over others.” Numerous novels have expressed the impact that power has had on humans, but there’s one that illustrates the domination of power on animals. One of the most common novels regarding the themes of power and corruption is Animal Farm written by George Orwell. Throughout this novel Orwell, signifies Lord Acton’s famous pronouncement “Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely” through his great literature and characterization of the animals. With our history of power, corruption, and communism, Orwell utilizes animals to symbolize how absolute power corrupts absolutely through his themes, characters, and plots.

This is a nice example of an introductory paragraph. It starts with a general statement. The second sentence gives us a definition of an important term. Then the writer narrows in on the novel of concern, stating its title and the author. Then there’s a transition toward a thesis and the paragraph ends with the thesis for the rest of the paper. Very well done.

But there are certainly a few places for improvement. It’s not clear in the opening sentence whose hands control the power: is it authority or the people? People are reluctant to stand up to authority because they already have a sense of their own power? I think the writer meant people are afraid to stand up to authority because they are afraid of the power wielded by the authority.

The statement that the novel “illustrates the domination of power on animals” is a little funny because the novel is an allegory and we are meant to understand that the novel is not really about animals, but about people. This could be edited to read: “…illustrates, using animals, the corruption of power.”

Next, we shouldn’t refer to Animal Farm as “one of the most common novels” since there is only one Animal Farm. It’s not like starlings are one of the most common birds, or dandelions are one of the most common plants. How about “One of the best known novels regarding the themes of power and corruption…”?

Next is a very common error in beginning essay writers. “Throughout” means  within the pages of the novel. So we could say “Throughout the novel, Orwell uses commas.” “Throughout the novel, Orwell uses images of corruption.” But the theme is conveyed through the novel. So when we make a big statement about the novel, we use the preposition “through,” not “throughout.”

Finally there’s a bit too much crammed in the final sentence which makes the logic a bit twisted. Orwell certainly uses animals to symbolize how absolute power corrupts. And it’s also true we have a history of power, corruption and communism. But the link of logic between our history and Orwell’s use of animal symbolism is not clear. Also the theme is of corruption of power, so we can’t state that the symbolism is shown through the theme. It’s a bit redundant.

Let’s re-write the whole thing thus:

Many people are reluctant to stand up to authority because they fear the power of authority. Power can be purely defined as “the possession of control or command over others.” Numerous novels have expressed the impact that power has had on humans, but there’s one that illustrates, using animals, the corruption of power. One of the most well-known novels depicting the theme of power and corruption is Animal Farm written by George Orwell. Through this novel Orwell, illustrates Lord Acton’s famous pronouncement “Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely”. To show our history of power, corruption, and communism, Orwell utilizes animals to symbolize how absolute power corrupts absolutely.

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Men, women and conflict

27 Mar 2010 at 05:36

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Here’s a nice little paragraph:

Also psychologically different, men and women typically respond in differ ways to emotion. While men tend to react violently, women react by communicating in a friendly way because women are believed to naturally be more in tuned to others emotions and feelings than men. According to Sigmund Freud, “women show less sense of justice than men, that they are less ready to submit to the great exigencies of life, that they are more often influenced in their judgments by feelings of affection or hostility” (Gilligan, 802). Freud is stating his belief that women show less sense of justice than men because they are more emotionally driven and less rational. Communication also seems to vary by gender, since it has been observed that men and women react differently to conflict. Woman shall more likely attempt to discuss the conflict, while men are more introverted in resolving the problem.

In the first sentence, we must change the word “differ,” which is a verb, to “differing,” which looks more like a verb, but acts like an adjective. The next sentence has an error of logic. Do women react in a friendly way because we believe they are more in tune with others’ emotions, or do we believe that because of our observations on how women react? Next comes a quote embedded into the sentence with APA Style used correctly. Beautiful! But there are a couple of grammatical errors within the quote, so the writer should be checking their source very carefully to make sure the quote was transcribed correctly. The word “tuned” is used where “tune” should be and there’s a lost apostrophe on “others’” The following sentence gets the logic right. Finally we have a verb error in the last sentence. All together we have:

Also psychologically different, men and women typically respond in differing ways to emotion. While men tend to react violently, women react by communicating in a friendly way. Therefore women are believed to naturally be more in tune to others’ emotions and feelings than men. According to Sigmund Freud, “women show less sense of justice than men, that they are less ready to submit to the great exigencies of life, that they are more often influenced in their judgments by feelings of affection or hostility” (Gilligan, 802). Freud is stating his belief that women show less sense of justice than men because they are more emotionally driven and less rational. Communication also seems to vary by gender, since it has been observed that men and women react differently to conflict. Woman are more likely attempt to discuss the conflict, while men are more introverted in resolving the problem.

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Eudora Welty: A wellworn path

26 Mar 2010 at 23:57

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Fernando sent this “grammar” question:

In Eudora Welty’s short story, “A Worn Path” Phoenix Jackson represents an ageing truth. Phoenix grows up living in slavery or Civil War era. She dealt with slavery her whole life, even now free she has to endure the 1940′s segregated south. Slavery is an imbedded thought everywhere she goes. Due to her lack of education and poverty, Phoenix has to live her life without a good job and in a poverty stricken rural south location deep out in the woods miles and miles from town. Now as an old woman, all phoenix has in her life is her grandson which has to suffer from a lye infected throat and the only way her grandson can survive is if Phoenix travels miles and miles into town to get medicine for her grandson. Even though Phoenix has and will endure many hardships through her life time; Phoenix dignity, sense of humor and determination illustrate the resilience of the human spirit.

There was a lot more. In fact, I think Fernando was hoping I’d edit his whole essay, but like the instructions say “One paragraph only.” At least Fernando didn’t try to cram many paragraphs into one and expect that to qualify. Anyway, the paragraph. Not bad. The final sentence, despite its grammatical errors, provides a nice thesis for the essay. Let’s look at it from the beginning. Fernando introduces us to the story, the author, and the character he is talking about in the first sentence. Nice. I’m not sure what he means by an “aging truth.” Note the difference in spelling between “aging” and “ageing.” I prefer the former (as does my spell check), but my Oxford dictionary accepts both.

Next, he writes, “Phoenix grows up living in slavery or Civil War era.” Now which is it? Did she grow up in slavery? But the Civil War ended in 1865 and Fernando writes Phoenix lives in the 1940s. That makes her at least in her 80s. Well, I guess that’s possible, if she was born not long before the Civil War. It’s not a literary issue, but I get bothered by these little inconsistencies. I was reading a scholarly article by a university professor recently that was full of them. Then we have a misspelled word “imbedded” for “embedded.” But it’s an interesting thought and one that I hope Fernando developed further on in the essay.

Then we have a couple of very long sentences. The first is not a run-on sentence, but it does go on and on. But the next sentence should be divided into at least two, possibly three sentences. And I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know what a “lye infected throat” is.  And the final sentence has a couple of minor errors (missing ‘s on Phoenix) and semicolon should be a comma. But overall it’s a nice paragraph. There are some issues around tense. It’s important to try to keep the verb tenses consistent. As we read the story, it feels like it’s happening right now. That’s why we can use the present tense for the verbs. She deals with slavery. She has her grandson. She travels. It’s easy to accidentally insert the wrong verb tense (like “dealt”). That’s why we should always pay particular attention to verb tenses during our proofreading.

Here’s what the edited version would look like:

In Eudora Welty’s short story, “A Worn Path” Phoenix Jackson represents an ageing truth. Phoenix grows up in the post-Civil War South. She deals with slavery her whole life; even as an old woman she has to endure the 1940′s segregated south. Slavery is an embedded thought everywhere she goes. Due to her lack of education and her poverty, Phoenix lives her life without a good job in a poverty stricken rural south location deep out in the woods. Now as an old woman, all Phoenix has in her life is her grandson who is suffering from a lye infected throat. The only way he can survive is if Phoenix travels miles and miles into town to get medicine for him. Even though Phoenix has and will endure many hardships through her life time, Phoenix’s dignity, sense of humor and determination illustrate the resilience of the human spirit.

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